West of the Moon

A Tolkien Fanfiction Archive

 

Banned from Buckland
Smutty silly disgusting filksong, with abject apologies to Leslie Fish.
Category: Humor
Submitted: 5/10/03

 

To the Tune of   'BANNED FROM ARGO' by Leslie Fish

 

We all rode into Brandy Hall for a fine midsummer stay 
We had high expectations—it was Merry’s special day! 
With cakes and ale and dancing; more ale and then some more 
But Buckland wasn’t ready for what really was in store 
  
(chorus) 
We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one 
Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun 
They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough 
Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough! 
  
Bilbo was the first to err; his fall was quite spectacular 
Six elves he’d snuck inside the Hall for their technical vernac’lar 
Coaching hobbits gathered round; he was quite the wise old sage 
He’s really quite athletic for a hobbit of his age! 
  
Pippin might be little but he’s loud about his needs 
A dynamo when primed with ale and a certain kind of weed 
He wore out several lasses then he went to the Ferry bay 
Merry had to drag him from four sailors at the quay 
  
Then Merry had the tables turned; he’d thought to save Pip’s virtue 
But ended up against the stable wall way past the curfew 
Came dragging in next morning with a dopey, smirking look 
It must be true what’s said about the… talents of a Took 
  
We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one 
Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun 
They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough 
Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough! 
  
Frodo might be quiet, but for trouble he’s no slacker 
His innocent demeanor hides a sense of humor blacker 
Not content with mere rapaciousness, he started taking bets 
As to how long he’d outlast them all, and in how many sets 
  
Sam, his tastes were simple but his methods were complex 
We found him doing Frodo atop an ancient elvish text 
He’d really fooled us with that role of oh, so dull and meek 
The paper cuts alone could keep them bedridden for weeks 
  
We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one 
Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun 
They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough 
Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough! 
  
Fatty got some pipeweed that was questionable in make 
He tried to fly out of a tree and landed in the lake 
Running through the hallways crying fire! and fall and foes! 
We tackled him and tied him up from head to soggy toes 
  
Rosie took on Fatty and then went a-hunting Sam 
‘Foiled by th’ Squire!’ she was heard to cry, poor lamb! 
But three’s a magic number, so her mind was changed and how 
Better give in than fight it—and she’s singing elvish now! 
  
On the third day all the party moved to a pub across the river 
Some Men came wand’ring in and they all set the place a-quiver 
The hobbitlads were gathered there and invited them to play 
But all the Men just looked, then gaped, and then they ran away 
  
We were banned from Buckland, banned from Buckland every one 
Banned from Buckland just for having a little fun 
They say when we’re together that we get a little… rough 
Now Buckland doesn’t want us, right enough! 

 

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