Acceptance and Concession Speeches 
 

Boil Vey Award
—most unusual symptom

Best Abuse of a Controlled Substance
—"Pippin, where DID you get these mushrooms!?"

Winner:  Recaptured by Llinos (ADULT)

 

Best Hobbit Wino
—“when elven eyes are smiling…*hiccup*”

Runner-up:  Recaptured - chapter 19 part II by Llinos (ADULT)

 

When first starting to write Recaptured I promised to be kind to the hobbits, to look after them nicely and to put them back in the box neatly when I had finished playing. But then I realised that would be no fun at all, so I didn't!

I've blinded Merry, beaten him, stuck him in a zoo, brutally kidnapped him several times, severely wounded him, nearly got him eaten by Shelob and now a fell beast and just lately he is in the hands of the enemy and about to be… well you'd have to read to find out. Pippin has been struck deaf and his voice stolen. He has been brutalised almost as much as Merry and now he can't even talk properly, to say nothing of his other little problem, (see below). They've both been imprisoned, brutalised, attempted suicide and battled against impossible odds, both in mind and body – but hey! They're hobbits – it's what they're for!

So I haven't been kind to them, I've not looked after them at all nicely, and that I guess is what these awards are all about!

So thanks everyone for enjoying and voting for my insane torture and brutality towards the little dears – please don't tell the RSPCH (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Hobbits) – I shall continue in the same vein for as long as you keep reading.

In addition, as I did not agree how long my turn was going to be I decided to keep going until someone stopped me. That didn't happen, in fact my wonderful beta Marigold insisted that I continue to 150 chapters and the Scouring of the Shire and beyond. So here we are nearly 2 years later and still on the same story – sorry about that!

Boil Vey Award

This, I imagine, is for Merry and Pippin's various sensory afflictions, including Pippin's current speech impediment. I would like to report that it is improving –but sadly (Mwhaha!) it isn't!

Best Hobbit Wino

I have a telegram just in from Meriadoc Brandybuck (The Magnificent – Master of Buckland, Holdwine of the Mark, Knight of Rohan). Message reads – ALL LIES STOP ONE OFF STOP SAM'S FAULT STOP AT LEAST NOT FIRST PLACE STOP BUT TA FOR PRIZE ENDS

Best Abuse of a Controlled Substance

Now children, Pippin is a very, very naughty little hobbit! Narcotics, when properly administered by, say, Aragorn, are an exceedingly good thing. However, when bad hobbits take it upon themselves to start glugging poppy down with no supervision or even requirement – they are extremely bad and no one should do this! In particular it's amazingly naughty to get poppy juice off orcs (totally unrefined) or to beg it from an elf, even if he is your best friend and telepathic! Hobbits should mind their wizards or cousins in this matter or they will, no doubt come to a bad end!

(This has been a Llinos/Marigold Health Warning!)

 

Boil Vey Award
—most unusual symptom

Runner-up:    Serendipity by Cassiopeia (ADULT)

 

Sam: Thank'ee for this runner-up award, it's a great honour and will go down as a Gamgee legend, along with the time my uncle Andy drank five mugs of the gaffer's best home brew in less than a minute. I'd like to reassure everybody that my rash cleared up in no time, thanks to Mr. Frodo's careful--

Frodo: Tending! Yes, um, tending. The rash was awfully red for a while, so much of my time was spent, uh...

Sam: Rubbing oil over--

Frodo: Yes, Sam, I think they understand. I'd like to congratulate all the wonderful authors and thank West of the Moon for hosting the awards.

Sam: Some of those authors gave me ideas, begging your pardon, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: What kind of ideas, Sam?

Sam: Well, I was reading this story, and they used oil for something that we ain't tried yet, sir.

Frodo: What's that, Sam?

Sam: I can't say in front of all these nice people.

Frodo: Well, whisper it to me. (Pause as Sam leans over and whispers something into Frodo's ear.) Oh! Uh, sorry everybody, but Sam and I really must go now... Fetch the peppermint oil, Sam!

Sam: Yes, sir!

 

Best Invented Disease
(thatfrodocatchesinfiveseconds)

Winner:  Quarantined by Shirebound

 

"Is this thing on?  Sorry... I'm accepting this award on behalf of shirebound, who's currently cooking up yet another story in which I end up with a concussion, fever, cold, frightened, and otherwise miserable, but then I get to recover with my usual resilience, get wrapped in nice, warm blankets, and receive the undivided attention I deserve as Ringbearer, cute hobbit, and savior of the West, so I guess it's all right.  Besides, she's going to scrape all the gold off these dubious-looking mushrooms and split the loot with me before she starts chapter 2, so... no hard feelings.  I think she's... *cough*  she's just the *cough cough*  ...drat.  I feel a chill coming on.  Gotta go."

Frodo Baggins

 

Best Retch

Winner:  The Bedside Reflections of Bell Gamgee by Oselle

 

Dear Readers,

 

I have been asked to say a few words about the awarding of a prize in the category of ‘Best Retch’ to a story entitled ‘The Bedside Reflections of Bell Gamgee,” written by one Oselle, whom, it seems, is known to some of you.

 

I must confess that I am somewhat mystified by this story. It purports to tell the tale of a grievous illness that I suffered in my youth, and the tender care administered by the mother of my servant, Samwise Gamgee. While such illnesses were not unheard of, I can assure you that I personally enjoyed nothing but the most robust health throughout most of my life in Middle-earth, and that any retching that occurred during my youth was the result of my own lamentable overindulgences, due primarily to an excess of high spirits, not illness. In addition, while I do recall that I was occasionally under the weather as a child, I certainly never fell ill to the point of losing control of my bodily functions. Indeed, my continence in such matters was legendary, as it is a well-known fact that I endured the rigours of the Quest without ever needing to relieve myself.

 

However, I must add that the author was far kinder to the character of Bell Gamgee than she was to my own, giving her a noble life and touching death, when, in fact, the absence of Samwise Gamgee’s mother in his life was not due to her untimely passing, but to her running off with a circus troupe from Bree, with whom she spent many happy, although rather dishonourable years, as a ‘hooch’ dancer. I have long believed that this unfortunate history was the very thing that made my dear Samwise so very clingy, a personality trait that eventually proved quite valuable, especially to myself.

 

In conclusion, I am afraid that I cannot offer the desired words on this story, except to say that it is obviously a fiction of the most fanciful sort and that Oselle is, to use one of your charming colloquialisms, something of a ‘nutcase’. Nevertheless, I hope she will accept my congratulations on being rewarded for her very overactive imagination, as I hope that you derived some enjoyment from her tale.

 

With best regards,

I remain,

Your humble servant,

Frodo Baggins, Esq.

Composed upon this 52nd day of Hrívë

Calenfalas-i-Pheriannath

Tol Eressëa

 

 

Best Crybaby

Winner:  The Code of the Brandybucks by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins (ADULT)

Best Drama Queen

Winner:  Rain by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins (ADULT)

Runner-up:  The Code of the Brandybucks by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins (ADULT)

Best Damsel in Distress
—this does not necessarily have to be female…

Runner-up:  An Awkward Position by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins (ADULT)

 

As Mirabella is locked in the closet unable to attend the ceremony due to prior commitments, the Golden Mushroom award will be accepted by Frodo Baggins, star of Rain and Translations.

Good evening.  I'm honored to accept the Golden Mushroom award on behalf of Mirabella and the cast of her fanfics.

I discuss Mira's work with her often, and she has several times expressed surprise that her fanfics, particularly Rain and Code of the Brandybucks, have become as popular as they have.   Personally, I believe that the source of her confusion is her entirely understandable, if inaccurate, tendency to look for an explanation in the quality of her writing rather than in the fact that my CotB counterpart and I are second only to Ewan McGregor in our willingness to take off our clothes in the cause of art.  However, if believing that the virtue is hers keeps her happy, productive, and writing sex involving me, I'm willing to let her keep her illusions, and I trust that you all will as well.

Mira is deeply grateful to the readers of West of the Moon for their positive response to her fics, and would particularly like to express her appreciation for Rain's award for Best Drama Queen.  While I personally appreciate the sentiment, I feel that the term "drama queen" is not entirely appropriate.  I prefer the title "Dark Lord of Drama," because I did almost keep the Ring and cover all the land in a second darkness, you know.  I forgive Mira for not being sufficiently impressed by this fact even when I wear black and glower at her, so long as she keeps writing fics with me, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and the occasional stout length of rope.

On behalf of Mirabella, the Shire, and myself, thank you and good night.

 

Best Crybaby

Runner-up:  Frodo Gets a New Look by Karadin (ADULT)

 

Karadin: Let me first say that I am truly honored to accept my half-a-mushroom award as Runner Up for Best Crybaby. I mean being considered second to Mirabella is an honor in itself. She was one of my first friends in the fandom and I'm afraid she encouraged me, so if you want to....blame...

Frodo: (sniffle)

Karadin: What is it, hobbit-of-my-heart?

Frodo: I'll have you know these are tears of anger.

Karadin: Of course, who has upset you, darling?

Frodo: The very idea that anyone would have an award of this nature and that I would win it! I mean, if anyone has a reason to cry it would be me? Wouldn't it?

Karadin: Well, yes that's true.

Frodo: And dear Tolks didn't write about me weeping my way to Mordor did he? I don't know where the concept came about that I am in any way less than completely masculine.

Elijah: (holds up hand)

Frodo: I'll be talking to you later.

Eljah: (smiles, sits back down)

Karadin: Of course everyone sees you as a complete, with-all parts-very-much-working-virile-most masculine of hobbits. (Hides list of other catagories behind back)

Frodo: (sniffle) Well, allright then.

Karadin: Why don't you toddle your pert little manly ass over to Mirabella and escort her onto the stage? There's a good lad.

Karadin: Thanks again everyone who voted (and voted for me!) and Shadow and the wonderful staff at West of The Moon, the best hobbitfic site in Middle-earth and beyond. (Which will hopefully include an art catagory next year-hint hint. Mira cannot beat me in that!)

Mira: You never know.

Elijah: At least you won an award with me.

Karadin: Well, yes-as Mira is occupied with Frodo, (shrugs) might as well shag the weepy human-type.

Elijah: (claps hands gleefully)

 

Best Damsel in Distress
—this does not necessarily have to be female…

Winner:  The Claiming of the Ring by Europanya

 

Euro enters carrying a limp, dirty, nekkid, Fro--AKA "Taters."

"Uh, Frodo, your audience awaits." Pokes the swooning hobbit gently. He moans, his long lashes flutter, but nothing else.

"Um, buddy, you like won me an award." Shakes pliant halfling gently. Huge eyes of liquid blue open in dewy orbness.

"Sammmm?"

"Nope, sorry, just the author here. Sam is having a brew on me down at the Dragon. Actually, a keg for making him carry your worthless corpse up and down the Dark Tower with every orc in Mordor on his ass, resulting in a bladder infection. You might say I owed him one."

"Sammmmm..help meeeeee!"

"Well, looks like I'll need to make this short.  The poor thing's about to pitch a fit again, but I'd like to thank everyone who voted for poor pitiable Taters for this incredible honor. I'm heartened to know that making a hobbit catatonic for 30,000 wds. is what I'll be most remembered for. You guys are the best!!!"  Wipes tears of joy from eyes as they fall upon Frodo's pale quivering chin.

"Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam!"

"Oh, for the love of...gotta run before I find Sting at my throat!"

 

Best Damsel in Distress
—this does not necessarily have to be female…

Winner:  Avalanche by Shirebound

 

"Frodo isn't feeling too well just now (and no, it's not shirebound's fault.  Well, maybe it is, I don't know), so on behalf of my favorite cousin (stop kicking me, Merry) second favorite cousin, I'd like to accept this award for "Best Damsel in Distress".  Even though everyone knows that I was in more distress than Frodo in that blasted frozen wasteland of Caradhras, where shirebound wouldn't let me talk for 13 chapters and then threw me in a frozen puddle, and... but I'm not here to complain.  I'm here to say "thank you".  Hey, give that back, Merry.  Those are *my* mushrooms..."

Pippin Took

 

Best Hobbitsicle
—hobbits are a dish best served cold

Runner-up:  Hobbits on Ice by Teasel (ADULT)

 

I'm delighted and relieved to concede the "Best Hobbsicle" award to a splendid writer who apparently abandoned more hobbits in sub-zero temperatures than I did.

 

Best Hobbit Wino
—“when elven eyes are smiling…*hiccup*”

Winner:  Of Dwavish Ale and Battle Scars by Aratlithiel

 

*ahem*

This is truly an honor I did not expect.  I would first like to thank Shadow and West of the Moon for dreaming up these awards and allowing us all the opportunity to poke at ourselves.  I would also like to sincerely thank those who voted for this fic. and express my most heartfelt gratitude-

*Aratlithiel goes flying face-first from the podium*

“Ahem.  Steward of Gondor, here.  I’ll pause for your respectful bow.  Thank you.  *hiccup*  I would first like to say that I do not know this Ara… rat…thil…  er, this person and have no idea where she gets the cheek to presume…*hiccup*…erm, excuse me…to presume to portray an event that never even happened.  And if it had happened – and I’m not saying for one moment that it had, I mean, read your bloody books, for the love of…  At any rate, if it had happened, it would be a private matter between…*burp*…oh, pardon me, quite embarrassing, that, if I do say…*ahem*…a private matter between those parties involved, if there were any parties involved and I do not for a single second say that there were any parties involved nor that there was anything for them to be involved in, as it were. 

“No respectable man of my stature and status would have participated in such debauchery.  Unless, that is, he were, say, tricked into it by a scheming little individual who takes rather more pride in his furry little feet than is due, if you want to know the truth and who, perhaps, took this Steward – a rather handsome chap, by the way, if you wanted to know, but I digress – took this extraordinarily handsome and rather well-built Steward in with his seemingly innocent ways and then managed to get the King himself involved as if we were but pawns in his very own…*hiccup*

“Erm…not that any of this actually happened, you understand.  And while we’re on the subject of things that never happened, let’s take a look at the title of this award, shall we?  ‘Best Hobbit Wino.’  Best Hobbit Wino.  Not Human Wino, you understand.  I fail to see how humans could be left out of the title of the award when humans played such a vital role in the telling of it.  I mean, honestly!  ‘Twas my story, after all and if it hadn’t been for me, a certain hobbit would still be trying to dump that cask somewhere.  I’m the one who toted it halfway across Minas Tirith!  I’m the one who actually poured it!  I’m the one…  Heh.  Not that it actually happened, of course.  *burp*

“Well, what are you looking at?!  You’ve all read the Red Book, for the Valar’s sake!  I challenge any one of you to find a reference to a drunken Steward.  ‘Tisn’t there, I say and just because this blooming wench says it’s so--”

*Aratlithiel sneaks up behind Faramir and whacks him in the back of the head with her Collector’s Edition of LotR*

Wench, indeed.  Thank you all very much.  It’s been great fun and this is an award I will display with pride.

 

 

Most Inappropriate Use of Human/Elf/Dwarf

Winner:  Frodo Hill - Letter the Fifth by Teasel (ADULT)

 

With a heavy heart I accept the award for "Most Inappropriate Use of Human/Elf/Dwarf."  In my work I have sought to restore knowledge of Third Age customs obscured by Professor Tolkien's misleading and inaccurate translations from the Westron, customs such as Elvish water ballet and the pioneering work of the Dwarves in sexology. That these important discoveries should be seen as "inappropriate" merely serves to illustrate the deplorable condition of Westron Studies, a condition I hope to ameliorate in my upcoming article, "Oil be Seeing You: Increased Divorce Rates and the Dwarvish Discovery of Petroleum-based Lubricants"  (Third Age Review, Winter 2005). 

 

Most Inappropriate Use of Human/Elf/Dwarf

Runner-up:  The Claiming of the Ring Pt. 2 by Europanya

 

Ahem, first of all I'd like to thank my sick twisted imagination for this honor fed by my deep-seated blasé for elves in Middle-earth. It would seem casting thousands of naked, starved whipped men of Gondor and Rohan into the flaming pit of Barad-dur's Round Room wasn't enough. Oh, no, I had to also send hundreds of fair-skinned snooty elves right in with them, even though they failed to make a showing of themselves in the final battles of ROTK as I had estimated when I wrote Claiming of the Ring pt. 2. So, it would appear their melted, burning flesh was all for naught. I accept this runner-up status in their unremarkable memory. Oops. Go elf BBQ!

 

Best Lost In Rivendell
—are we there yet?
(Please nominate fics where the characters spend an inordinate amount of time in a particular location: Bree, Rivendell, Minas Tirith, etc.)

Runner-up:  Recovery in Rivendell by Budgielover

 

I am proud and honored that West of the Moon has selected “Some Nameless Place” as the Winner of the “Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom” 2003 Golden Mushroom Award, and “Recovery in Rivendell” as Runner-up in two categories - the “Lost in Rivendell – are we there yet?” category and also for the “Most Creative Use of Vegetables – I didn't think you could DO that with a carrot!” category.

 

These two stories were a joy to write, and the warm welcome they each received in the LotRs fan fiction community is a testament to the generosity and hospitality (and sense of humor) of the fandom.  I especially would like to thank my beta, Marigold, for the gift of her time and gentle application of her infamous ‘stickses.’  Lastly, I would like to thank West of the Moon for recognizing the stories, and for awarding them these tributes.

 

My thanks to everyone; voters, readers, organizers, fans and all,

Budgielover

 

Best Use of Rosie

Runner-up:  Autumn's Requiem by Ariel and Aratlithiel (ADULT)

 

You know, when I saw that this fic had been nominated, I was delighted because I thought this one might be good enough for at least a shot at an award.  But then I saw the competition... one of the most beloved fics in fandom, two other very popular and highly read stories and and one that had won a Mithril Award... and well, I thought, 'there goes that!'  LOL.  You could have knocked me over with a feather when I got this announcement!  To have tied with a fic that won a Mithril Award is an astounding honor!  I am still having trouble believing it happened!  Congratulations to Mary Borsellino for a very deserved win and to Jodancingree for her runner-up award (and thanks for sharing it with us!)  Thank you to all who voted for this fic and most especially to Aratlithiel without whom I would never have even thought of trying a Frodo/Rosie fic.  This was her idea and her baby - and this honor just helps to confirm what an astonishing talent she really is.  Thank you again.

 

Honourable Marlin Perkins Award
--Wild Kingdom
(Please nominate fics that make the most interesting or outrageous use of animals.)

Winner:       Moria's Revenge by Kookaburra and Llinos (ADULT)

 

Accepting this award on behalf of the writers is Icicle – The Warg, AKA, Umumum  Umum, Icefang, Nestraden Naneth, Pippin's Wet Nurse. . .

Wrruff – grroowwll – yoooowwlll – gruuufff – yapyapyap. . . grurmph. . . forgot to switch the elven translator on . . . thank you. . . It is a great honour to be presented with this prize and I would like to thank the organizers for letting me accept it and for developing these wonderful awards in the first place that actually recognise characters such as me.

It is not an easy life being a high profile warg, especially after the despicable image assignation perpetrated upon my kind by that charlatan Peter Jackson. We do not have 10 inch fangs and hunchbacks – that is just cinematic licence. We are in fact cuddly, soft and make excellent hobbit sitters.

For this prestigious Award I would like to thank the voters, the organisers and of course the writers, without whom none of this would be possible, although I must confess I do often feel slightly ambivalent towards the pair of them. Kookaburra wrote me, but Llinos filled me with the Spirit of the Valar, so then Kookaburra killed me, but Llinos resurrected me thereby turning me into a MarySue – sigh.

Nevertheless, as an instrument of the Valar I got to have some really cosy MarySue moments with Pippin and at least I outrank Leggie and possibly even Gandalf – so it has its upside.

 

Honourable Marlin Perkins Award
--Wild Kingdom

Runner-up:  Frodo Hill by Teasel (ADULT)

 

I'm delighted and extremely relieved to concede the "Honorable Marlin Perkins" award to splendid writer who is apparently more conversant with bestiality than I am.
 

Best Vacation from Canon

Winner:  The Cybersex Lives of Hobbits by Fennelseed (ADULT)

 

Considering how many vacations from canon we all take, every year, by writing fanfiction, I am deeply honored that you chose this as your favorite ridiculous far-flung idea.  Makes me wonder what you've all been getting up to when reading slash late at night.  In any case, I could never have done written this story without all those cybersex sessions with Elijah Wood.  At least that's who he said he was.  Love you, Lij89732!  *big kiss*

 

Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom

Winner:  Some Nameless Place by Budgielover

 

I am proud and honored that West of the Moon has selected “Some Nameless Place” as the Winner of the “Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom” 2003 Golden Mushroom Award, and “Recovery in Rivendell” as Runner-up in two categories - the “Lost in Rivendell – are we there yet?” category and also for the “Most Creative Use of Vegetables – I didn't think you could DO that with a carrot!” category.

 

These two stories were a joy to write, and the warm welcome they each received in the LotRs fan fiction community is a testament to the generosity and hospitality (and sense of humor) of the fandom.  I especially would like to thank my beta, Marigold, for the gift of her time and gentle application of her infamous ‘stickses.’  Lastly, I would like to thank West of the Moon for recognizing the stories, and for awarding them these tributes.

 

My thanks to everyone; voters, readers, organizers, fans and all,

Budgielover

 

Best Use of Flame Outside of Mt. Doom

Runner-up:  The Making of Samwise: Chapter 28: Helping Hands by Bill the Pony (ADULT)

 

Accepted by Bill the Pony and S. Gamgee

"I would like to thank the Academy for recognizing the huge amount of weight I had to gain no fewer than four times while I--" wait.  Whose notes are these?  Sean Patrick ASTIN!!!!  You quit using my computer to write your acceptance speeches; you have your own!  And, um, I think planning this speech is definitely the way you ought to go.  Quit it with the off-the-cuff improv stuff.  I'm *begging* you.

Where was I?  Oh.  Best Use of Flame Outside Mount Doom.  Runner-up.  Quite an honor.  Well, you see, it starts this way.  I was born a poor black child-- no, that's one of Steve Martin's old scripts.  Argh.  Go away, Steve, you grew up to be way too hairy for human consumption.  (Don't believe me?  Check out his chest hair in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles."  Eeek.)

Where was I again?  Oh.  You want to know the story behind the fire?  The real story?  The ugly sordid story?

...I thought you would.  Well, here's the dirt.  I have severe pyrophobia, which is rooted in being taught to read very young.  I was reading in a sixth grade reader when I was in first grade and came upon a terrible moralistic story where Bad People (TM) were marooned on a volcanic island as a result of their crimes.  Of course, the volcano blew and all the Bad People (TM) burned up.  So, every time I was BAD, I would have night terrors about fire.  The nightmares subsided, mostly, but the fear lingered.  I was in my early twenties before I could light a match....

As a result, I have a horror of, and a morbid fascination with, fire.  I can't watch Denethor burn up in ROTK.  I can't watch Gollum sink into the lava.  I sit with my hands over my eyes and my fingers crammed into my ears, cringing, and have to be poked by whoever I dragged to the theater with me when the fire stuff is over, or I'll have awful nightmares for weeks.  I tend be haunted by images of fiery death and therefore as a coping mechanism and cathartic exercise, I wind up writing dreadful descriptions of people being burned up, and if you don't believe that, read part four of my other alter-ego's "Elements" ser--

What?  What do you MEAN I'm boring people?  Put down the stick.  Put it down.  Put-- AIIIIGH!

*There are sounds of a scuffle, microphone feedback squeals, and terrible thudding and yowling eventually dies down*

"Sam 'ere.  Sometimes you've got to put these authors in their place, if you take my meaning.  They'll ramble all day and never let you get a noice piece of-- er, that is, never let you do what you want, seemingly.

"At any rate, I'd like to thank all the gentlebeings who voted for my author, seeing as how they might have voted for Mistress Fennelseed, and though I ain't sure of it, I'll warrant the majority of them did, seeing as how my author and I didn't win and all.

"Not to say that Mistress Fennelseed isn't deservin'.  I've spent many a night steeped to the ears in one of 'er fine stories, and plenty 'ot they are, too.  But speaking of 'ot, what 'ave I got to do, burn aloive?  What does it take to get a little reward around here?  I slave my fingers to the bone, and all I get is UST, UST, and nothin' but more UST.  Well, I've 'AD it!  I'm goin' to pounce Mr. Frodo this very minute, as-is, and authors be damned.  Beggin' your pardon."

*touches cap and goes*

 

 

Most Dramatic Use of Drowning (or Near Drowning)

Winner:  Rites of Passage Chapter 23 by Willow-wode (ADULT)

 

(Very small 10 year old bairn Pippin comes to podium.  It is too tall for him.  He looks about, spots chair.  Going over, he grabs it, drags it over to the podium, legs screeching against the wood floor the entire way.  Audience members are covering their ears.  Once there, he climbs the chair.  It is still too short.  With a gravid sigh, Pippin crawls back down, pads offstage.  There is various noises: bangs, a saw, a horn. (Think Looney Tunes and the Coyote)  He comes back out, leading a stumbling, tall woman having a serious Bad Hobbit-hair Day who keeps shielding her eyes from the light and blinking.  Her hands are cramped into a typing position,  and she's wearing a Campbell plaid shawl, with remnants of an elvish rope dangling from one ankle.  Pippin leads her over to the podium.)

PIPPIN:  All right, then.  Pick me up, please.

(Still blinking, the woman does so)

PIPPIN:  This is our—Willow's and my—acceptance speech for winning in the category of Most Dramatic Use of Drowning or Near Drowning.  (sucks in huge breath)  I'm very very sorry and I didn’t mean to and I know it was bad but I didn't think it was bad because I didn't know and—(gasps for air)--and if I'd known that it was going to upset Frodo like that I never would have pretended to drown, and I'm really, really really sorry!  *turns to woman*  Was that all right?

WOMAN:  (small grin)  That was just fine, Pip.  Where are we?

PIPPIN: (gives his booster-upper a buss on the cheek)  We're at the Golden Mushroom Awards!!  Now's your chance, Willow.  Say what you want to say!!

WILLOW:  (shoves at her hair, suddenly realizing where she is)  Oh.  Erm.  Uh.  Oh, dear.  I didn't really prepare a speech, because I never thought I was going to get loose in time, and I'm not really dressed for this… but… so…  erm.  Well.  (takes breath)  I really appreciate that all of you want to read my stories, and that you like them well enough to nominate them for the GMAs, let alone vote for them so that they win an award.  It's a very special honour, and your response is very gratifying.  I think also that Shadow needs a very big round of applause for putting on these awards in this wonderful spirit of fun and frolic!

(Shouts from offstage)

SAM'S VOICE:  There she is!!

WILLOW:  Oh, bugger.

(Willow drops Pippin, cuts and runs.  He yelps, then stands as the Fab Four [Yes, that's Frodo, Sam, Merry and Tweener Pippin] come galloping onto the stage, brandishing rope and paper and quill pens.  Tween Pippin hesitates, then stops and stares at Bairn Pippin.)

TWEEN PIPPIN:  (to BAIRN PIPPIN):  You let her go, didn't you?  You are always getting into things—you're more trouble than you're worth.

BAIRN PIPPIN:  Like you can talk!!

(Tween Pippin grabs Bairn Pippin by the scruff of his neck and runs offstage with the rest.  More Looney Toon-esque noises can be heard.  Then, triumphant, Willow reappears with four small furry-footed beings in head-locks)

WILLOW:  (to audience)  Just in case you were interested, I do occasionally get the upper hand.

MERRY: (struggling)  Just because you're bigger!!

WILLOW:  Size matters not.  It's that age and treachery CAN overcome youth and skill.

MERIMAC'S VOICE:  Hoy--!

WOMAN:  Shut up, Mac.  (rolls eyes)  Drama Queen.

MERIMAC'S VOICE:  I'm tired of this age thing being brought up.  And Drama Queen is another category altogether.  And I am NOT a Queen—I refuse to be stereotyped by the societal labels of your sick, 21st century era!!

FRODO:  (growls)  Scene stealer.

WILLOW:  Well, he's your cousin, dear.

------------------------------------

Thank you, fellow fanfic readers and writers.  Thank you all.  Going back into the sideboard, now.

 

Most Dramatic Use of Drowning (or Near Drowning)

Runner-up:  Ring Around the Merry Chapter 30 by Aelfgifu (ADULT)

 

“I did not win,

But I got very near,

By dunking poor Frodo,

And causing great fear.

 

He would not answer,

The questions I asked,

So t’was off to the Brandywine,

To revisit the past.

 

His parents went down,

Many-a-year ago,

The loss was great,

The recovery slow.

 

But this is a dark fic,

And here at the River,

I nearly drowned Frodo,

It makes my heart quiver!

 

I pushed him down,

Underneath the cold water,

In very same spot,

As his mother and father

 

Why did I do it?

The Ring is to blame,

For me forcing Frodo,

Down Memory Lane.

 

I craved this award,

But at too great a cost!

No ‘shrooms for the wicked!

My precious is lost!”

 

--Evil!Merry
 

(Leaves stage, light like pale flame fades from eyes, goes off to check on Ringbearer tied up in cellar, and then-- it’s Miller time!)

 

Er, Ummm, sorry about that folks!  I am beginning to wonder if Frodo isn’t spending a bit too much time over at Evil!Merry’s house these days!  Perhaps I should write him a nice vacation in Rivendell!  Well, if Frodo were not so tied up, so to speak, and if Evil!Merry were not so busy with delusions of grandeur, I am sure they would like to thank all of you for voting and supporting the hobbit fics!  Thank you!  (Smooch!)  -Aelfgifu

 

    

 

 

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